thoughts from the end of the couch

I’ve been home from my first year of college for about two weeks now. I can’t really say I’ve accomplished anything since I’ve been home, but I certainly have watched enough Price is Right to know what a nice dinette set looks like. The most stressful part of my day is the time between realizing I have to pee, and the time I wait to get up to actually relieve myself. So, yeah you can tell I’m doing lots of stuff. Anyways, based on my hours upon hours of TV viewing of late, I have made a few observations. Those observations are written in the following paragraphs.

I’m pretty sure Rosie O’Donnell was the beginning of the end of Koosh Ball popularity. Only someone as un-cool as her could ruin something as cool as Koosh Balls. With every awesome ball she slung into her idiotic crowd, a young Koosh owner slung theirs into the trash. RIP Koosh Balls.

Speaking of Rosie O’Donnell, how did her and Ellen Degeneres decide who gets the lesbian morning talk show slot? I would have to assume Rosie would win in a fight solely because of girth, but Ellen somehow came out on top. It seems kind of unfair that only one lesbian is allowed to have a morning talk show, but for the sake of humanity and future toy popularity, I’m glad Rosie is gone.

I watched an episode of Americas Most Wanted the other day. Now I know its for a good cause and what not, but I have an issue with the “possible locations” for where these wanted guys are hiding out. They rattle off like 15 states and 3 continents when giving the possible locations. “Miguel Dominguez is armed and extremely dangerous. He could be hiding out in Mexico, New Mexico, California, Arizona (actually, scratch AZ. Political joke, get it?!), Wyoming, Nebraska, Delaware, Iceland, Florida, Australia, Canada, or Montana. If you think you’ve seen this cold-blooded killer, call 1-800-Crime-TV.” Okay, John Walsh I’ll keep an eye out for him if I’m ever on earth.

Going along with the criminal theme: I love watching Cops. But not for the usual reasons one may watch the show (Police chases, Drug busts etc.). I watch Cops so I’ll know what rock bottom is like if my life ever took a turn for the worst. Rock bottom is sitting on the curb outside your government funded housing in nothing but a pair of jorts while the cops sort out the domestic dispute between you and you’re baby momma. It is at that moment that you have a major life decision to make: Do I clean up my act? Or do I start running as fast as my cracked out body can carry me? I hope I never face these questions, but if I do at least I’ll be ready.

Advertisement Frustration:

Sometimes I have to watch TV because I forget if Progressive Insurance exists. But then I turn it on to any channel and within minutes I’m reminded that it does exist.

I hate when I see those commercials that are for some form of furniture and it says, “Some assembly required.” You can’t fool me Ikea, I know that some essentially means I’m not cutting down the tree and finishing the wood but the rest is up to me. I don’t have a week and a half to be doing things like putting “piece A-865 into piece F-197.

I’m kinda mad because I got some Axe Body Spray based on the commercial that says attractive girls would be tackling me as a result of wearing it. On the contrary, all I got was a couple “wow that kid smells like a middle-schooler” glances.

I really need something to do.

Right on track

In my final home track meet of the year, I finished second to last. At the time, that was the least of my worries. “Not pooping my pants” was on my priority list just above “caring about running” and just below “letting someone notice my obvious ‘poop waddle.’” If you are unclear as to what a “poop waddle” is, I imagine that you can figure it out by using context clues on the following example sentence: “Keith poop waddled all the way to the bathroom not long after wolfing down three beefy 5-layer burritos from Taco Bell.” Anyways, my race did not go as planned. But as long as I never end up like this guy, I'll consider every race successful.

WARNING: Picture below is messy.

Was "messy" an understatement? Sorry! Anyways, The rest of my track season was quite uneventful. I got 4^th in the 5k at Duke University. Well, 4^th if you take my place position one lap into the race. (I got caught up in the excitement and I also wanted to get my picture taken). I finished 32^nd in the end, but who's counting?

Since my track season ended I have probably run about three steps. Sorry… I’m exaggerating… I haven’t run a step. After a long season, the only thing I enjoy more than running, is not running. Get it?

car alarming

Probably my biggest annoyance that has happened to me in the last month was someone breaking into my car. There are a few things wrong with this. First of all, I do not own anything valuable enough to steal; I have a beat-up 1999 Toyota Camry; and I was parked next to a brand new Mercedes that made it through that night unscathed. I do not know what these thieves were thinking because the best thing they could have gotten out of my car was a Ke$ha CD. Wait, I mean a… manly CD. Anyways, the punks stole my change. Oh no!

But the worst part of the whole thing was they broke the lock on my passenger door. Not only did they break the lock, they made it so the door no longer opens from the inside, or the outside unless you’re using the key. Nothing like pulling up to the restaurant with a hot date and saying “hey, umm… don’t try and get out yet because…you won’t be able to.” Nothing about that is creepy at all!

The situation isn’t much better when I have a guy in the car with me either. In an attempt to look tough, I should probably start carrying a tool box and a football with me so I look real masculine while opening the door for another dude.

why i hate the winter olympics

The winter Olympics take over NBC every 4 years. It forces Al Roker to freeze his butt off for two full weeks, and for what? So we can watch a guy lie on a board next to other people on a board and see who gets to the bottom first? I can do that at any hill with snow on it.

The Winter Olympics are just glorified hobbies with people competing against the only other people who even tried to do what they do. Don’t understand my point? Well let me ask you this: Have you ever luged? Or Curled? Or bobsledded? Most likely you have not, because all of the people who have tried these things are currently competing in the Olympics and can’t read this blog.

They are the only ones who ever tried these events, and that is why they are Olympians. The field of competitors is so small that of course they are going to be the best.Everyone knows if they can run a 100yd dash fast. Or swim across a pool fast-Because everyone has tried it. Which is why I can relate to the summer Olympics. Because I know for a fact I can’t do any of the things that the people do in the summer Olympics. (With the exclusion of the coxswain of a rowing team, I mean seriously...his only job is to say "Row" over and over) Seen here on far right:

Give me a week and the proper equipment and I could be an Olympic caliber curler. I mean, I’ve swept my fair share of kitchens, I think that gives me an edge. Give me a steep hill and a greased up trash can lid and I could give those lugers a run for their money. However I do give credit to the tandem luge teams. Anyone that is willing to dress up in skin-tight, florescent colored, body suits and lay on top of their partner with nothing between them and a manmade hill but an inch of fiberglass, is an athlete in my book.

With all of that being said, how about add some events we can all relate to?

-Snowman building: Judges grade by size, cuteness, and speed of it being built.

-Walking on ice- Athletes must wear street clothes, carry a coffee, and be in a rush-First to get across without falling, or spilling coffee wins.

-Window Defrosting- Must scrape windows, and defrost them. First to back out of parking spot in a crowded lot, wins.

-Snowball fight- Simple. Make, and throw as many snowballs at your enemy in allotted time.

February 11, 2010

My life has been extremely boring lately. Maybe it’s the winter weather, or the fact that I only have classes two days, limiting my human interaction. Whatever the reason, my life has lacked pizzazz and that is why I have not blogged. Hopefully something blog-worthy will happen soon. (unlikely). This blog begins with a recap of my morning, and then goes into a live blog that I did in class.

I woke up this morning at 7:43 a.m. It was my first miracle of the day. You see, I set my alarm for 7:40 a.m., woke up when it went off for long enough to shut off that horrible noise, and then back to sleep I went. By sheer luck, I woke up 3 minutes later when my remote fell off my bed and broke on the hard floor.

I figured that was a sign that I needed to wake up and get ready to go to class. By “get ready,” I mean put a hoodie on over what I wore to bed, slip on my shoes and go to class. Today this was a poor decision because I wore shorts to bed. Lately I have been attending class looking like Kevin McCallister when he first woke up and realized he made his family disappear. As soon as I walked out the door I was kicked in the face by 20-degree gust of air that sent a chill up my exposed lower leg.

I chose to bring my laptop with me today, even though not one of my classes requires doing so. I went to the cafeteria, and ate breakfast alone. Biscuits ‘n’ gravy, and cherry Pepsi was my meal of choice. I enjoy eating breakfast alone because I am the opposite of a morning person. I hate everyone and everything for about 1-2 hours upon waking up. I sat in the cafeteria for about 10 minutes and laid judgment upon every person eating in the cafeteria. Thoughts like “just because you lift weights does not mean a sleeve-less shirt is necessary in 20-degree weather.” “Look at me I wear a big, furry, colorful toboggan because I never got attention as a child and now I am desperate for it.”

I grabbed a coffee before going to my first class because chicks dig guys who drink coffee; it makes them think you’re mature. Well, that’s not my real reason, I am now addicted to caffeine. But all of the sudden, a bullet was shot through my whole “chicks dig it” idea, when I tripped over my own feet leaving the cafeteria and splashed a sizeable amount of the coffee on my sweatshirt. So now instead of being a mature coffee drinker, I’m just a clumsy kid trying to act old. Wonderful.

My first class of the day is Ethics. I am currently sitting in class after taking a pop quiz. We were required to write an essay about the previous class discussion. Here is a picture of what my notes were from last week:

Needless to say I was in trouble. Luckily, the girl next to me told me a few bullet points of what I need to include in my essay. My professor, who would play Cleveland if Family Guy ever casted humans to make a real-life version of the show, talks non stop for both hours of the class. Next to him, is a sign language interpreter who translates everything he says for about a deaf student in the front of the room.

The only problem with the interpreter is she is just sitting there because the deaf student is asleep. The kid behind me just kicked over my coffee, and it spilled onto my shoe. So now I have coffee on me from two separate spillings. Basically, I had enough coffee to make my breath bad and spill half of it on myself but not get the benefit of caffeine. Success.

I am now in English class, or ENG 231, if you wanna get technical. I am typing rapidly so the teacher believes that I am documenting what she says. To the naked eye, I probably look like the most attentive student in the class, as the majority of the class sees more of their inner eye-lids than the teacher’s lecturing.

I make it look like I am taking notes by looking up repeatedly then looking back down at my computer. This makes it appear that I am conscientiously copying down everything my professor says, but in reality I am going back and fourth between Facebook and this document. My teacher is an older woman, nice as can be. She reminds me of a white Oprah, with a hint of Barbara Walters, but boring as can be. If it wasn’t for this computer, I would be using my desk as a pillow right now. She just called on me and asked me what I need to change in a sentence on the worksheet she just handed out. I responded “uhhh.” Somehow her 65-year-old ears thought I said “nothin” and because the sentence required no additional punctuation, it resulted in her thinking I am a genius. Accidental success is the second best form of success (behind earned success but ahead of reality show success).

My favorite thing about college (not literally) is how professors give you breaks during class. They have to know that our breaks consist of everyone going into the bathroom and talking about how much the teacher sucks. Often times about half the class leaves during the break, leaving the teacher flustered and offended.

Well, my 3^rd class of the day was cancelled and my final class couldn’t have been less eventful so that’s all I have for today. If you read all that, I love you.

dont get too excited for this blog entry

Its 1am Sunday night and I am writing because I just decided an hour ago to begin my final essay for my religion class. Now get off my back, its due Tuesday, not tomorrow. Phew. But the topic is “The 5 functions of theology and the strengths and weaknesses of each.” As exciting as this sounds, I had to take a break. I have a serious problem with writing about boring things so I take excessive amounts of breaks to check facebook, get some food, or ya know… rearrange my entire room. Moving my bed, desk and dresser from one side of the room to the other really gets the brain firing on all cylinders. But truthfully, my brain could be sopping in Ritalin and I still wouldn’t be able to focus on this boring of a topic. If you happen to be an expert on this topic, please feel free to jump right in with some substance for my paper. I’m about one more writer’s block away from writing “WWJD? Not give me a bad grade on this religion paper,” and turning it in like that.

On the Brightside, my room looks great, and I freed up a ton of space to do really exciting things. Like sitting on the floor or… vacuuming? I don’t know why I need space in here, to be honest.

Before:

After:

My roommate goes home every single weekend, thus giving me the room to myself. Which sounds like some great alone time. But I’ve literally been in my bed since Friday except for eating and using the bathroom. The nightlife at this school is about as poppin’ as a night at the polygamy ranch. It’s tough to come up with riveting blog topics when the most human interaction you have for three days is seeing someone in the hall on the way to the bathroom.

I am currently listening to Christmas music on Pandora. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I was home for the Thanksgiving and spent much of it getting in the Christmas spirit. But since I’ve gotten back to school I feel like I’ve left Whoville and have been on Mount Crumpit. Someone decided to get in the spirit by spraying that fake snow stuff on the windows in the lobby of my dorm building. But don’t worry, someone took it upon them self to spice up the décor by draw a penis in the fake snow. I can now totally relate with Faith Hill when she asked “where are you Christmas?” (Sorry you had to see this:)

9 days and counting until I go back to Whoville (home :)

tiger's a cheetah

Okay, I feel like I need to talk about Tiger Woods. I don’t want to beat the dead horse on the topic, because Elin did enough beating for all of us. Elin did the one thing Phil Mickelson has never been able to do, she beat Tiger. I will try to do this without too many golf puns, but don’t be Tee’d off if I do… oops.

It started with an accident. The best driver on tour drove straight through his own yard, over a fire hydrant, and into a tree. And even Tiger couldn’t chip his way out of this rough patch. “Allegedly,” Elin chased him down the driveway while he drove away, smashing his windows with a golf club. Tiger denies such allegations, but shattered back windows, a cut up face, and multiple mistresses would say otherwise otherwise.

Tiger was forced to pay $164 for reckless driving. I wonder how he even pays that? Does he write a check? Because the signature on the check would be worth more than what the check was written for.

A voicemail is circulating that begins with someone saying “Hey, its tiger.” In his defense, it could have been any Tiger. Maybe it was Tony? This voicemail was to a girl named Jaimee Grubbs. If spelling the name “Jamie” with two E’s doesn’t tell the story, the fact that she was on the show “Tool Academy,” does. This girl is the epitome of class, oh wait… epitome means opposite right?

Tiger went Letterman on his wife and she went Rocky right back at him. I can’t say I blame her. She’s better looking than all of these “mistresses” anyways. She’s gotta feel like she missed the cut despite being a hole in one and them being pars.

Maybe Tiger should have been sponsored by Adidas, so then he would go by “anything is possible.” Like, you know… a celebrity marriage not ending in divorce. But instead, he’s sponsored by Nike, so really he had no other choice but to “just do it” with all those girls.

However, I believe with time Tiger will be fine. He'll will put a house on Elin’s finger and win a million more tournaments and this will all be old news. In 50 years Tiger’s game with the ladies may be out of the majority of people’s minds, but this will never be forgotten: