thoughts from the end of the couch

I was watching a movie the other day on TNT, and it couldn’t have been more predictable. The main actor, Bruce Willis, narrowly avoids death in the first scene of the movie. Now how is this suspenseful? Of course he’s not going to die. My heart rate didn’t increase what so ever because I have learned. Big stars don’t die in movies until the end. So I decided if I ever produce a movie, I will cast a big time celebrity and kill them off early on. That will throw everyone for a loop and keep them interested. Hollywood is getting more predictable than a Girls Gone Wild commercial coming on Comedy Central after 1am, you just know its going to happen. I would also have one of the extras become a key factor at the end of the movie, so then you have to watch it again and say “ahh, he was in the background at the coffee shop.”

I saw one of those Oreck vacuum commercials today. I was sad to see David Oreck is really showing his age. I think they had to start making vacuums weigh 1 pound so his brittle index finger can still pick it up to show the audience how light their vacuums are. I don’t see how this marketing campaign is perceived as successful? “Okay your vacuum is light and can suck smoke out of a smoke filled enclosure, can it clean my carpet?”



So I was watching college softball yesterday. And I came to the realization that There are probably 100 things I'd rather watch than college Softball. Theres just something about overweight lesbians getting overly pumped up about a boring sport that just doesn't hold my attention. It also had me wondering... What do these girls do after they graduate? I mean there can't be that many available Gym Teacher jobs. Hmmm. (Coming soon: List of 100 things I'd rather watch than college softball)

I saw an ad for Purdue chicken today, and the dad from Even Stevens was on it. Once again, I was sad. What’s next, Beans doing commercials for Bacon? And what happened to Ren? Living in the Lizzie McGuire Shadow of Disney Channel beauty queen must have been rough but she still could do something with her life. Maybe she’ll end up on Dancing with the Stars, I’d like that.

I have a confesstion to make. While I am a fan of all three, if you put Bob Saget, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Steven Colbert in a room. I’d have a hard time telling you who was who.

this just in:

technically

So I’ve had some things kind of bugging me lately. I am so tired of people calling people creepers on facebook. You are not a creeper if you look at all the pictures someone uploads. Why else would they upload them? They are meant to be looked at. However, I will admit there is an instance where you are a creeper. And that is if you bring it up in person that you looked at the pictures, especially if you aren’t good friends. The term creeper is being used way to loosely. I believe it was initially developed to refer to the Chris Hansen Dateline NBC Online Predator guys. Now I will admit, those guys are creepers. Enjoying someone’s pictures on facebook, is not being a creeper or a stalker. So chill out with calling people creepers, it’s a little over-the-top.

Now call me a hypocrite, but my mom is a creeper. Calling her one is legit though, don’t worry. She is a twitter creeper. I get an email that I have a new follower. It says “angierking” is now following you on twitter. I look at her page. Everyone of the people she is following is one of my cousins. Most of them don’t even use twitter. They might have an update or two that’s it. But ang is following all of these people and then never contributes anything. She never once updated her status. So she is just sitting there reading everyone’s posts.. The funniest part is that she never once mentioned it to me that she made a twitter. I think she thinks I cant see that she is following me. Oh ang…

On a lighter note.

I recently have this weird pet peeve that I cant use the same towel twice. This coming after I realized…I could be wiping my face with the same part of the towel as I wiped my butt the previous shower. This was a disgusting observation I made, and vowed to never use the same towel until it was rewashed. Or! I could get color coded towels where one side is for the butt, one side is for face. Hmmm.

Has anyone seen those Taco Bell commercials where they’re like “Its technically a salad.” How is this a good marketing strategy? They are advertising that they have an unhealthy half assed salad. This makes no sense to me.

I’m graduating in exactly one month. Maybe when I am in college I’ll be smarter and have more blog topics. But for now, I’ll express my strong opinions on really unimportant topics.

-patrickryan

dear diary...

I have decided I am not afraid of Swine Flu. I saw on the news that only 8 people IN THE WORLD have died from it so far. I bet 8 people have died tying their shoes since all this talk of swine flu came about. I think it’s a giant overreaction. Just wash your hands and stop picking your nose. I guess I’ll eat these words when I’m on my death bed oinking my final words, but oh well.

When I was slightly afraid of it, I really wanted to know what Paris Hilton thought of the whole thing. So I’m glad someone asked her. She really knows her stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jevcRwhjJJU

So since my sister moved out, my bathroom has not been cleaned once. Nor has the proper bathroom essentials been replaced; soap, shampoo, mouthwash etc. But the most important thing that seems to always be in shortage, is toilet paper. I got stranded in the bathroom not once, but twice with no toilet paper today. It is by far the worst situation you can ever be in. I would rather find myself running out of oxygen than find an empty roll of TP after doing my uhh.. “bidness.”

My only cry for help was a twitter post from the toilet. No one answered. Without including the messy details. I made my way downstairs to a different, well supplied, bathroom. Yuck.

I started reading a few days ago. Then I stopped, but I felt mature while I did. I’m on page 46 o a 328 page novel. I will finish someday.

I am in love. To a girl named Twitter. I never get tired of tweeting. I tweet my every thought, joke, or activity. It is great. Because it is perfectly acceptable to update your status as much as you want. Come on people, we all know we’d update our facebook status’s more but we don’t want to look like we spend all day on the thing.

It is cool to read celebrities posts. I enjoy seeing Shaq misspell simple words. He spells as well as he shoots free throws. I like seeing Kim Kardashian post pictures of herself without makeup. She’s pretty beast without it I must say. Dane Cook to me is a disappointing Twitterer. His tweets are rarely funny. Maybe its because he cant exaggerate all the right words like he does so well in person. Asher Roth (The “I Love College”) guy responded to a question I tweeted him. Me and Joey asked him what shoes he was wearing on Jimmy Kimmel. And he Answered us. Pretty neat I gotta say. Here's a screen shot:

Well that’s all for now.

-Patrick Ryan

a birthday for the ages

So my first attempt at shaving with “a big boy razor” did not go as smoothly as I would have liked. But 3,000 bits of toilet paper later, my face was blood… and hair free! Sorry if I grossed you out with that. But I felt like the Grinch when he tried shaving when he was just a young boy.

Today was possibly one of my best birthdays ever. Besides all the things that I am legally able to do, I got some great presents.

My sister mailed me some things that I can now use/do because I am 18. Such as, 20 scratch off tickets!, Temporary tattoos (symbolizing that I can get a real one), A cigar, earrings, an “its my birthday!” bow, and top it all off she wrapped it all in money! She's the best. But my favorite part of the gift was the stack of pictures of my baby niece/god daughter kylie! My god wife Alyssa also gave me a card with 18 symbolic dollars symbolizing our years of friendship. It was a great surprise. Now I know why we got god-married.

I also had my regional track meet today. It was in the heart of that crazy brush fire down in Naples. There was a smokey haze covering the track. I about died. But I ran my fastest mile (4:28). I didn’t make it to states, but that’s okay with me because if I made it, I wouldn’t have been able to go to grad bash. The kid who won the mile ran a 4:17. Its just unfair.

I then went to PF Changs with my parents. FYI: Never run a mile as fast as you can then eat spicy Chinese food. I’ll leave out my reason behind that statement, but I think you can all figure it out. It was a surprisingly flawless dinner with my parents. I really enjoyed it. I really am growing up!

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I really appreciate it :)

Now that I'm 18...

I will address all of my teachers/administrators/hierarchy by their first names. I am one of them after all (an adult).

I will no longer shave using a micro touch. I will use a big boy razor with shaving cream, water, and a towel around my waist. Maybe even after shave.

My mom will no longer be required to fetch me drinks, snacks, the remote, etc. However, this rule is void if I am not feeling well, or am really tired.

I will wear a mustache....Once I can grow one

I will read the news paper with my feet up on Sundays, and discuss the humidity levels with other adults.

I’ll have an opinion on politics based on more than “he seems nice, then again, so does he, hmmm…”

I will no longer drink juice boxes…Ah who am I kidding, I could never give up 8 ounces of deliciousness in a portable container.

I will order every single thing I have ever wanted off an infomercial. Like that sand stuff that goes in water but doesn’t get wet. Or Girls Gone Wild…. Just kidding (or am I?)

I will go to a club, and then leave again because I am not a dancer.

I will offer to buy kids cigarettes, and then scold them if they accept my offer.

I can commit adultery, it would have been teenagery before.

I could tell people "life's not fair," because only adults say that. But I wont, because I hate people who say that.

Finally, I will be rich because I am going to go buy a lottery ticket at midnight. Woot woot!

The ugly truth of SJP

I have to do it. For those who follow my blog, you may have seen a short list of a few of my favorite and not so favorite celebrities. In my list of “not so favorites” I left out someone who is by far my least favorite. I could not express my real feelings about her in one short sentence so I decided to save this for a separate entry. This young lady goes by the name of Sarah Jessica Parker.

At 11 O’clock every night her show bombards you on multiple channels. Her arrogant voice-overs send shivers up my spine. If you don’t know already, I’m talking about Sex and the City. By far the worst show on television. I would rather watch Susan Boyle get a sponge bath for 30 minutes than even catch a glimpse of the 45 year old Parker attempting to be “sexy.” Hearing her self righteous voice discuss having sex with random men throughout New York city makes me feel sorry for the actors who are pretending to sleep with her.

In a weak moment, or 140 moments, I gave in and saw the Sex and the City movie. Don’t ask me why, this is not about me. For the duration of the movie when I realized they were going one by one showing these women topless, I was quietly praying to myself that SJP would remain clothed. Surprisingly, She did, but the only thing that could be worse than seeing her naked happened. The red head became nude. This was so unnecessary. Now I am not here to rag on red heads, but come on, we all know you guys look better with clothes on, and preferably a hat.

When I heard Sarah Jessica Parker was married to Ferris Bueller, I flew my internal flag at half staff. An actor whom I had much admiration for (Matthew Broderick) married to an actress whom I despise. I have not been able to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off since hearing this sad news. All I can say is, I used to look up to him, key words: "used to."

And what’s with that thing on her chin? It’s like part of her insides are trying to escape because they found out they are the insides of the ugliest actor in showbiz. Seriously, find me one person who sincerely thinks she is attractive. She needs to stop showing off her boobs like she’s hot. No one wants to see that Sarah. Stop being so arrogant and stop making people call you by your full name You may be hideous, but you are human. Humans don’t use their middle name in casual conversation.

But I will give her one compliment. I admire the fact that she became famous while being one of the ugliest people in America. I couldn’t name three ugly celebrities, they are a rare breed. But she is a purebred ugly celebrity.

But I wish you luck Sarah, just don’t go crying to Mr. Rooney when Ferris skips out on you.