dont get too excited for this blog entry

Its 1am Sunday night and I am writing because I just decided an hour ago to begin my final essay for my religion class. Now get off my back, its due Tuesday, not tomorrow. Phew. But the topic is “The 5 functions of theology and the strengths and weaknesses of each.” As exciting as this sounds, I had to take a break. I have a serious problem with writing about boring things so I take excessive amounts of breaks to check facebook, get some food, or ya know… rearrange my entire room. Moving my bed, desk and dresser from one side of the room to the other really gets the brain firing on all cylinders. But truthfully, my brain could be sopping in Ritalin and I still wouldn’t be able to focus on this boring of a topic. If you happen to be an expert on this topic, please feel free to jump right in with some substance for my paper. I’m about one more writer’s block away from writing “WWJD? Not give me a bad grade on this religion paper,” and turning it in like that.

On the Brightside, my room looks great, and I freed up a ton of space to do really exciting things. Like sitting on the floor or… vacuuming? I don’t know why I need space in here, to be honest.

Before:

After:

My roommate goes home every single weekend, thus giving me the room to myself. Which sounds like some great alone time. But I’ve literally been in my bed since Friday except for eating and using the bathroom. The nightlife at this school is about as poppin’ as a night at the polygamy ranch. It’s tough to come up with riveting blog topics when the most human interaction you have for three days is seeing someone in the hall on the way to the bathroom.

I am currently listening to Christmas music on Pandora. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I was home for the Thanksgiving and spent much of it getting in the Christmas spirit. But since I’ve gotten back to school I feel like I’ve left Whoville and have been on Mount Crumpit. Someone decided to get in the spirit by spraying that fake snow stuff on the windows in the lobby of my dorm building. But don’t worry, someone took it upon them self to spice up the décor by draw a penis in the fake snow. I can now totally relate with Faith Hill when she asked “where are you Christmas?” (Sorry you had to see this:)

9 days and counting until I go back to Whoville (home :)

tiger's a cheetah

Okay, I feel like I need to talk about Tiger Woods. I don’t want to beat the dead horse on the topic, because Elin did enough beating for all of us. Elin did the one thing Phil Mickelson has never been able to do, she beat Tiger. I will try to do this without too many golf puns, but don’t be Tee’d off if I do… oops.

It started with an accident. The best driver on tour drove straight through his own yard, over a fire hydrant, and into a tree. And even Tiger couldn’t chip his way out of this rough patch. “Allegedly,” Elin chased him down the driveway while he drove away, smashing his windows with a golf club. Tiger denies such allegations, but shattered back windows, a cut up face, and multiple mistresses would say otherwise otherwise.

Tiger was forced to pay $164 for reckless driving. I wonder how he even pays that? Does he write a check? Because the signature on the check would be worth more than what the check was written for.

A voicemail is circulating that begins with someone saying “Hey, its tiger.” In his defense, it could have been any Tiger. Maybe it was Tony? This voicemail was to a girl named Jaimee Grubbs. If spelling the name “Jamie” with two E’s doesn’t tell the story, the fact that she was on the show “Tool Academy,” does. This girl is the epitome of class, oh wait… epitome means opposite right?

Tiger went Letterman on his wife and she went Rocky right back at him. I can’t say I blame her. She’s better looking than all of these “mistresses” anyways. She’s gotta feel like she missed the cut despite being a hole in one and them being pars.

Maybe Tiger should have been sponsored by Adidas, so then he would go by “anything is possible.” Like, you know… a celebrity marriage not ending in divorce. But instead, he’s sponsored by Nike, so really he had no other choice but to “just do it” with all those girls.

However, I believe with time Tiger will be fine. He'll will put a house on Elin’s finger and win a million more tournaments and this will all be old news. In 50 years Tiger’s game with the ladies may be out of the majority of people’s minds, but this will never be forgotten:

planes, trains and automobiles. actually just planes

On Tuesday I traveled home from school for the first time since moving there August 15, 2009. I had been growing quite tired of hickory (who woulda thought?) and I really needed this break. I encountered many things so far on my first homecoming but I’ll start off with my flight home for right now.

As everyone does, I was sitting in the terminal eyeing the fellow passengers waiting to board the plane. I noticed a family of screaming children and strung out parents who had no control of those kids. I added them to the mental list of people whom I hope I don’t sit by. Then my eyes scanned to a group of girls, close to my age, all seeming to be anywhere from very attractive to decently attractive. I added them to my mental list of people whom I hope I end up sitting by. While I’m scanning the crowd I hear a raspy old grumpy voice say “get that hippie to move his drink so we can sit down.” I quickly looked around to see the hippie whom the old bag was talking about, not seeing one; I grabbed my drink and took a sip. As soon as I lifted my cup off the seat next to me a fat butt squeezed tightly into a pair of old slacks dropped into the seat like it had been dropped from 10 storied above. The entire line of seats shook, and so did my mind as I realized I was the hippie the old lady was talking about. Now I admit, I have longer hair, but I was not wearing tie dye and marijuana was no where near my body, so calling me a hippie was completely uncalled for.

Sooner than I can wrap my head around the idea of being called a mean name by someone born during the depression, the plane began boarding. As I waited in line I began to find more people whom I wouldn’t mind sitting by; guy with laptop watching stepbrothers, overdressed, but attractive girl, etc. I made my way to my seat, past the smug first classers, already sipping on their tea and resting their head on pillows. As I made my way from the first class section to my seat I began to realize there are other, unofficial “classes” on planes.

You see, the people who sit up front, just behind the first class, might as well be the first class because they get to board first, they get off first, and I’m sure every now and then a stray cookie makes its way from first class to the front few coach rows.

Then you have the middle of the plane, or the “emergency exit” class. These people have a sweet deal because they get to stretch their legs and in the common case where the plane crashes and you are somehow able to escape, they got the best chance of getting out before the thing explodes.

And finally, there’s the back or the “ghetto” of the plane. Sure you have a short walk to the bathroom, but you also have the aroma of poop flushed into a tank with a miniscule amount of water. It takes half an hour to actually get off the plane once and lands and you are last to get your snacks from the flight attendant. The worst part is, you think you’d get your snack first because the flight attendant camp is in the back, but no.. they bring the cart to the front and work their way back.

When I got closer to my seat I knew who I would be sitting by. I had already passed the girls, the strung out family, and the guy watching stepbrothers, and I see one opening next to the old couple who had judged my character just minutes before. Sure enough, my seat, 25F was tucked in right next to the old couple, in the ghetto.

I made the head nod acknowledging my seat was the one they were obstructing and neither of them moved. They both looked at me as if I was telling them the early bird special was from here by cancelled permanently. Eventually, when they realized they had no other choice, they got up and let me sit down. The smell of ben-gay and baby powder filled my nose and for the rest of the trip, complaints filled my ears. “It is too dark in here I can’t see!” “When is that stewardess, I’m thirsty!” “This flight is too long, we could have driven it in this amount of time.” “This is horrible turbulence, I might never fly again.” The complaints flew faster than the plane and my iPod could not go any louder. This couple could possibly be more bitter than Jon and Kate Gosselin.

When the plane landed, my favorite thing happened as it does on every flight I have ever been on. The seat belt light went off and everyone on the plane stood up. It amazes me that people in the back of the plane insist on standing hunched over with their head wrenched to the front of the plane to see how long they have to wait. Do they really think standing up with your back hunched under the air vents is going to get them off the plane faster? Oh well. I will update you on the rest of my trip home when I get the chance. Over and out.

psychology makes me go insane

I am currently blogging because I am in a 2 hour Psychology class and the internet is down. So to keep my sanity, I will be writing nonsense to occupy my time. Just to give you the setting, my class has 26 students in it (my largest class) and a young man in the front is wearing a fedora. My professor, although a nice man, has the exact same personality as Milton from Office Space. His breathing resembles that of a bulldog after an afternoon of playing fetch. He has the blackest, bushiest eyebrows you’ll ever see and a thin gray comb over above that forest-like eyebrow situation.

A sigh of relief just washed over the room as the internet connection has just came back. I’ll keep writing though, because no one is on facebook to talk to and I can tell the girl behind me is reading what I write. Now, likely she is embarrassed and will look away for a second as if I am watching her, but the truth is she won’t be able to look away now because she won’t know what I’m saying about her. The girl next to me is one of those she’d-be-hot-if-she-didn’t-wear-windbreakers-to-class kinda girls. I mean seriously, a windbreaker…really? I know they’re practical but can you really stand the sound of whooshing with every move you make? I’ll take a brisk breeze through my hoodie over a fluorescent colored garment that blocks some of the wind any day.

Another trend I have not yet been able to wrap my mind around is girls wearing rain boots. I understand it is raining, but really are you that tempted to jump into a puddle that you need to get waterproof boots up to your knee? From Where I am sitting I can count 7 girls wearing these. The girl to my left has leopard print, LL Bean Brand rain boots, but get this: there’s a heal on them. What is the purpose of this? Added discomfort? Attempted achilles tendon shrinking? Here’s a rule of thumb: Are you going fly-fishing? No? Is there a flood? No? Then leave the boots in the closet and put on your flip-flops and go out the door. I’m tired of people trying to be trendy and unique. Unique is not wearing something weird that everyone wears. That ruins the uniqueness and just makes you a lame follower.

The girl in front of me to my left is playing Solitaire. She has 3 moves that I can see from here that she can perform, but she appears to be flabbergasted at the situation she is faced with.

A young man a few seats up to my right is currently Skyping with whom I assume to be his girlfriend. She also appears to be in a classroom and they are just smiling at each other with this look on their faces as if what they’re doing is so naughty that its funny.

As cliché as it is to make a Farmville joke, I will anyways. The ginger a few rows over is currently plowing his fields or something of the sort on Farmville. He is also chatting with what appears to be 4-5 friends on Facebook at the same time. It reminds me of a busy businessman the way he’s working and answering messages ever so frantically.

The girl to my left and 4 seats up is on looking at someone’s pictures on myspace. Did I just time travel to 2006? If she opens up her AIM buddy list I’ll lose my marbles.

Update: Solitaire girl is still staring at her solitaire game like Nicolas Cage staring at the Declaration of Independence looking for a secret code. I hope she is asleep or she is just a moron.

Windbreaker girl is currently looking at graduation pictures on that website that they send to you on a postcard after graduation. She clearly misses high school. That or she is as bored as I am. Or maybe she is looking for a new way to protect herself from the cold, one that is a little less 90’s perhaps?

Well I can tell Professor Milton is winding this lecture down, maybe he’ll let us out early so he can go burn the school down. That’d be convenient for me. I might live blog my classes more often from now on. I doubt anyone will be interested in it. But at least I will be entertained. Over and Out.

3 weeks of galavanting

I was recently asked if I had given up on writing this blog. I answered with a "no, of course not." But I am having a bit of a writers block, as I have been away from TV for some time, and haven't had to many funny things happen to me lately. So I thought I'd just start writing and see where it takes me.

I would currently consider myself the Rosie O'donnell of Blog writing. You see, i feel as though many of my entries have been dull, but then I shoot a Kush Ball into the crowd, and for a short time, the dullness and lack of humor is forgotten. But I would like to change my image to more of the Ellen Degeneres of Blog writing. I want to come on stage dancing, bust your gut with my monologue and leave the stage dancing. Metaphorically speaking of course.

I recently embarked on a three week journey from Fort Myers, Florida to Minnesota to New Mexico. Each, no similar to the rest. Minnesota/Wisconsin is where I have spent the majority of my summers growing up, and was pretty the same as it always has been just a few more grandkids getting drunk than the year prior. However, the trip took a turn for the... Crazy when we decided to take a little trip down the apple river.

Now this river I speak of, sounds harmless. Possibly lined with apple trees, with families picnicking along side. This couldnt be further from the truth. Toothless wisconsinites wading in waist deep water which has to be comprised of atleast 10% urine and vomit. Girls showing off their goodies for strings of sparkly beads. I even witnessed a limp body of a girl carried to the shore, only to be surrounded by a tussle between about 10 plus sized women. Not a pretty site because if there's one thing girls from wisconsin don't know, its that one pieced bathing suits DO EXIST. I even saw a group of gay tubers carrying a giant blow up peni5. Not to mention the water was about 60 degrees and for the last 2 hours of the tube ride, the air was even cooler. AHH

Now I have been in New Mexico for 3 or 4 days and I have yet to see someone with blonde hair. The clear minority of Albuquerque is white people, as almost every person I have seen is either Mexican or Indian. Every sign here has both English and Spanish, and burrito restaurants line the streets like angry vietnam vets at a gay pride parade. After days of research and pondering, I have come to the conclusion that New Mexico is a lot like Mexico... only newer.

I am staying with my sister and brother-in-law and baby niece on Kirtland Airforce Base. It is quite unique in a everything-looks-the-same kinda way. If there's one thing I can take away from my time here so far, its that I am not very manly. Im seeing guys with crew cuts washing their Humvees in their head-to-toe camo, while I'm out for a leisurely jog, hair flowing in the breeze. I can now say without a doubt that I am not cut out for the military. I'd never be able to figure out that whole way of telling time anyways.

thoughts from the end of the couch

I was watching a movie the other day on TNT, and it couldn’t have been more predictable. The main actor, Bruce Willis, narrowly avoids death in the first scene of the movie. Now how is this suspenseful? Of course he’s not going to die. My heart rate didn’t increase what so ever because I have learned. Big stars don’t die in movies until the end. So I decided if I ever produce a movie, I will cast a big time celebrity and kill them off early on. That will throw everyone for a loop and keep them interested. Hollywood is getting more predictable than a Girls Gone Wild commercial coming on Comedy Central after 1am, you just know its going to happen. I would also have one of the extras become a key factor at the end of the movie, so then you have to watch it again and say “ahh, he was in the background at the coffee shop.”

I saw one of those Oreck vacuum commercials today. I was sad to see David Oreck is really showing his age. I think they had to start making vacuums weigh 1 pound so his brittle index finger can still pick it up to show the audience how light their vacuums are. I don’t see how this marketing campaign is perceived as successful? “Okay your vacuum is light and can suck smoke out of a smoke filled enclosure, can it clean my carpet?”



So I was watching college softball yesterday. And I came to the realization that There are probably 100 things I'd rather watch than college Softball. Theres just something about overweight lesbians getting overly pumped up about a boring sport that just doesn't hold my attention. It also had me wondering... What do these girls do after they graduate? I mean there can't be that many available Gym Teacher jobs. Hmmm. (Coming soon: List of 100 things I'd rather watch than college softball)

I saw an ad for Purdue chicken today, and the dad from Even Stevens was on it. Once again, I was sad. What’s next, Beans doing commercials for Bacon? And what happened to Ren? Living in the Lizzie McGuire Shadow of Disney Channel beauty queen must have been rough but she still could do something with her life. Maybe she’ll end up on Dancing with the Stars, I’d like that.

I have a confesstion to make. While I am a fan of all three, if you put Bob Saget, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Steven Colbert in a room. I’d have a hard time telling you who was who.

this just in:

technically

So I’ve had some things kind of bugging me lately. I am so tired of people calling people creepers on facebook. You are not a creeper if you look at all the pictures someone uploads. Why else would they upload them? They are meant to be looked at. However, I will admit there is an instance where you are a creeper. And that is if you bring it up in person that you looked at the pictures, especially if you aren’t good friends. The term creeper is being used way to loosely. I believe it was initially developed to refer to the Chris Hansen Dateline NBC Online Predator guys. Now I will admit, those guys are creepers. Enjoying someone’s pictures on facebook, is not being a creeper or a stalker. So chill out with calling people creepers, it’s a little over-the-top.

Now call me a hypocrite, but my mom is a creeper. Calling her one is legit though, don’t worry. She is a twitter creeper. I get an email that I have a new follower. It says “angierking” is now following you on twitter. I look at her page. Everyone of the people she is following is one of my cousins. Most of them don’t even use twitter. They might have an update or two that’s it. But ang is following all of these people and then never contributes anything. She never once updated her status. So she is just sitting there reading everyone’s posts.. The funniest part is that she never once mentioned it to me that she made a twitter. I think she thinks I cant see that she is following me. Oh ang…

On a lighter note.

I recently have this weird pet peeve that I cant use the same towel twice. This coming after I realized…I could be wiping my face with the same part of the towel as I wiped my butt the previous shower. This was a disgusting observation I made, and vowed to never use the same towel until it was rewashed. Or! I could get color coded towels where one side is for the butt, one side is for face. Hmmm.

Has anyone seen those Taco Bell commercials where they’re like “Its technically a salad.” How is this a good marketing strategy? They are advertising that they have an unhealthy half assed salad. This makes no sense to me.

I’m graduating in exactly one month. Maybe when I am in college I’ll be smarter and have more blog topics. But for now, I’ll express my strong opinions on really unimportant topics.

-patrickryan

dear diary...

I have decided I am not afraid of Swine Flu. I saw on the news that only 8 people IN THE WORLD have died from it so far. I bet 8 people have died tying their shoes since all this talk of swine flu came about. I think it’s a giant overreaction. Just wash your hands and stop picking your nose. I guess I’ll eat these words when I’m on my death bed oinking my final words, but oh well.

When I was slightly afraid of it, I really wanted to know what Paris Hilton thought of the whole thing. So I’m glad someone asked her. She really knows her stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jevcRwhjJJU

So since my sister moved out, my bathroom has not been cleaned once. Nor has the proper bathroom essentials been replaced; soap, shampoo, mouthwash etc. But the most important thing that seems to always be in shortage, is toilet paper. I got stranded in the bathroom not once, but twice with no toilet paper today. It is by far the worst situation you can ever be in. I would rather find myself running out of oxygen than find an empty roll of TP after doing my uhh.. “bidness.”

My only cry for help was a twitter post from the toilet. No one answered. Without including the messy details. I made my way downstairs to a different, well supplied, bathroom. Yuck.

I started reading a few days ago. Then I stopped, but I felt mature while I did. I’m on page 46 o a 328 page novel. I will finish someday.

I am in love. To a girl named Twitter. I never get tired of tweeting. I tweet my every thought, joke, or activity. It is great. Because it is perfectly acceptable to update your status as much as you want. Come on people, we all know we’d update our facebook status’s more but we don’t want to look like we spend all day on the thing.

It is cool to read celebrities posts. I enjoy seeing Shaq misspell simple words. He spells as well as he shoots free throws. I like seeing Kim Kardashian post pictures of herself without makeup. She’s pretty beast without it I must say. Dane Cook to me is a disappointing Twitterer. His tweets are rarely funny. Maybe its because he cant exaggerate all the right words like he does so well in person. Asher Roth (The “I Love College”) guy responded to a question I tweeted him. Me and Joey asked him what shoes he was wearing on Jimmy Kimmel. And he Answered us. Pretty neat I gotta say. Here's a screen shot:

Well that’s all for now.

-Patrick Ryan

a birthday for the ages

So my first attempt at shaving with “a big boy razor” did not go as smoothly as I would have liked. But 3,000 bits of toilet paper later, my face was blood… and hair free! Sorry if I grossed you out with that. But I felt like the Grinch when he tried shaving when he was just a young boy.

Today was possibly one of my best birthdays ever. Besides all the things that I am legally able to do, I got some great presents.

My sister mailed me some things that I can now use/do because I am 18. Such as, 20 scratch off tickets!, Temporary tattoos (symbolizing that I can get a real one), A cigar, earrings, an “its my birthday!” bow, and top it all off she wrapped it all in money! She's the best. But my favorite part of the gift was the stack of pictures of my baby niece/god daughter kylie! My god wife Alyssa also gave me a card with 18 symbolic dollars symbolizing our years of friendship. It was a great surprise. Now I know why we got god-married.

I also had my regional track meet today. It was in the heart of that crazy brush fire down in Naples. There was a smokey haze covering the track. I about died. But I ran my fastest mile (4:28). I didn’t make it to states, but that’s okay with me because if I made it, I wouldn’t have been able to go to grad bash. The kid who won the mile ran a 4:17. Its just unfair.

I then went to PF Changs with my parents. FYI: Never run a mile as fast as you can then eat spicy Chinese food. I’ll leave out my reason behind that statement, but I think you can all figure it out. It was a surprisingly flawless dinner with my parents. I really enjoyed it. I really am growing up!

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I really appreciate it :)

Now that I'm 18...

I will address all of my teachers/administrators/hierarchy by their first names. I am one of them after all (an adult).

I will no longer shave using a micro touch. I will use a big boy razor with shaving cream, water, and a towel around my waist. Maybe even after shave.

My mom will no longer be required to fetch me drinks, snacks, the remote, etc. However, this rule is void if I am not feeling well, or am really tired.

I will wear a mustache....Once I can grow one

I will read the news paper with my feet up on Sundays, and discuss the humidity levels with other adults.

I’ll have an opinion on politics based on more than “he seems nice, then again, so does he, hmmm…”

I will no longer drink juice boxes…Ah who am I kidding, I could never give up 8 ounces of deliciousness in a portable container.

I will order every single thing I have ever wanted off an infomercial. Like that sand stuff that goes in water but doesn’t get wet. Or Girls Gone Wild…. Just kidding (or am I?)

I will go to a club, and then leave again because I am not a dancer.

I will offer to buy kids cigarettes, and then scold them if they accept my offer.

I can commit adultery, it would have been teenagery before.

I could tell people "life's not fair," because only adults say that. But I wont, because I hate people who say that.

Finally, I will be rich because I am going to go buy a lottery ticket at midnight. Woot woot!

The ugly truth of SJP

I have to do it. For those who follow my blog, you may have seen a short list of a few of my favorite and not so favorite celebrities. In my list of “not so favorites” I left out someone who is by far my least favorite. I could not express my real feelings about her in one short sentence so I decided to save this for a separate entry. This young lady goes by the name of Sarah Jessica Parker.

At 11 O’clock every night her show bombards you on multiple channels. Her arrogant voice-overs send shivers up my spine. If you don’t know already, I’m talking about Sex and the City. By far the worst show on television. I would rather watch Susan Boyle get a sponge bath for 30 minutes than even catch a glimpse of the 45 year old Parker attempting to be “sexy.” Hearing her self righteous voice discuss having sex with random men throughout New York city makes me feel sorry for the actors who are pretending to sleep with her.

In a weak moment, or 140 moments, I gave in and saw the Sex and the City movie. Don’t ask me why, this is not about me. For the duration of the movie when I realized they were going one by one showing these women topless, I was quietly praying to myself that SJP would remain clothed. Surprisingly, She did, but the only thing that could be worse than seeing her naked happened. The red head became nude. This was so unnecessary. Now I am not here to rag on red heads, but come on, we all know you guys look better with clothes on, and preferably a hat.

When I heard Sarah Jessica Parker was married to Ferris Bueller, I flew my internal flag at half staff. An actor whom I had much admiration for (Matthew Broderick) married to an actress whom I despise. I have not been able to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off since hearing this sad news. All I can say is, I used to look up to him, key words: "used to."

And what’s with that thing on her chin? It’s like part of her insides are trying to escape because they found out they are the insides of the ugliest actor in showbiz. Seriously, find me one person who sincerely thinks she is attractive. She needs to stop showing off her boobs like she’s hot. No one wants to see that Sarah. Stop being so arrogant and stop making people call you by your full name You may be hideous, but you are human. Humans don’t use their middle name in casual conversation.

But I will give her one compliment. I admire the fact that she became famous while being one of the ugliest people in America. I couldn’t name three ugly celebrities, they are a rare breed. But she is a purebred ugly celebrity.

But I wish you luck Sarah, just don’t go crying to Mr. Rooney when Ferris skips out on you.

a day in the life of me aka my solution for writer's block

So, in case you don’t know. I have a very nice schedule for my senior year. I currently have two classes at my school. My day starts in 6th period in which I have economics. Then my final/second period of the day I am a teachers assistant for the athletic directors secretary. Its pretty tough stuff. Except its not.

Here’s a timeline of my day today:


I woke up at about 10. I spilled a glass of water on my floor stepping out of bed. So I had to clean that up. Then I went downstairs and ate some honey nut cheerios. It helps lower your cholesterol ya know. Then I watched ellen. (no homo). And the judge from ‘peoples court’ was on. I found that really random. Then I went to the bank to deposit my check. Worked 4 days last week for a whopping $80.41!


After that I went to burger king and tried to order cini minis. Apparently bk employees to not take kindly to someone who orders breakfast after the allotted breakfast time. So I did not get anything and continued on my way to school. Oh by the way, if you want to see the hairiest arms on a female, go to burger king in san carlos. Ask the half downs syndrome guy at the counter for her, he'll know what you mean.


In economics we played this game where you answered economics trivia to score touchdowns. We won. Thanks to my Ken Jennings like performance.


Then at track we had to sit in ice baths. Up to our waists. I couldn’t do it. And sadly let myself down and got out. It felt like.. Hmm… it felt like sitting in ice up to your waist. There’s really no other way to describe it.


Then I had to go help my mother coach the three oaks middle track team. They have 9 runners. One who is almost as old as me. My mom insisted on telling these boys to pull up their pants. I’m like, “yeah Ang your going to change this baggy pants thing once and for all, right here, right now.”


Then we went to the middle school meet to help with the girls. My job was to make sure no one walked onto the track while people were running through this big gate. Because apparently they have problems with parents going crazy running all over the track and getting in the girls way. Who knows. All I know is if I have to watch another overweight pubescent young girl run around the track, I may vomit.


Well then I came home around 8. Finally getting to relax. I watched a great episode of the office. One of my favorite shows. And Then some of the Cav’s pistons game. The Cav’s are going to win it all, and I have a man crush on Lebron James. Hes just phenomenal.


My birthday is on Friday, and so is My regional track meet. I’m racing the 4th ranked miler in the country. So yeah, wish me luck. Prom is Saturday. And The next week is States/Grad Bash. If I make states I will go to it. But in a way I don’t want to make it because grad bash should be fun. Hmm.


Well I’m done rambling. I’m sure no one reads this. And if anyone does, they surely have stopped reading by now. But if you did make it. I hope you have a wonderful rest of day/life etc.


-patrickmarkryan

most people work from 9-5. i work 5-9

So its Sunday night, roughly 11 pm. It is my last Sunday night as a minor as I turn 18 on Friday. Woot Woot. I feel older already.

Anyways, I ran 4.5 miles this afternoon, then I worked from 5 to 9, and ran 4.5 more miles for some odd reason. It felt good though. Some kids in a Jeep thought it’d be a hoot to yell and honk when they drove by. I personally believe this is in the lowest tier of humor, in the same level with gay humor and ’your mom’ jokes. I can honestly say I have never felt the urge to strain my vocal chords at someone on the sidewalk. How is this fun? “lets go yell insults at people getting some fresh air!” “Hell yeah bro! I’m down.”… It’s pathetic.

Last night it was apparently my job to make sure the freezer was shut at work. No one told me, and the freezer was left ajar. Everything melted. Oops. Hope I don’t get fired.

Hmm I don’t have much to say. How about I give a brief list of my favorite, and least favorite celebrities and why.

Faves:
Morgan Freeman: His narrations are warm and gentle like an angel is stroking my ear lobe. Plus, he played God. No further explanation needed.
Michael J. Fox: The Back to the Future was the greatest Trilogy of all time. And he’s inspiring.
Mila Kunis: Shes easy on the eyes.
Denzel Washington: Common, He’s Denzel. Need I explain?
Will Smith: I have never seen a bad movie/show with him in it. He’s a well spoken black man.
Oprah: 3 Words: Oprah Fridays Live

Not so much:
Nicolas Cage: He needs to stop trying to be a badass in his movies. He is a nerdy man and a terrible actor. I wish he got lost finding national treasure.
Jimmy Fallon: I used to like him until he took over Late Night. He can’t put a joke together without laughing half way through. I have never laughed watching his show. I have gone to bed angry because of his late night antics.
Miley Cyrus: Her voice is annoying, and she was given her fame and fortune. Shes done nothing to prove herself.
Chris Rock: Hes the most racist person I have ever seen on television. And he’s not funny. He just says words loudly and exaggerates them.
Tom Cruise: Not be confused with Tom Kruse the inventor of the Hoveround. Cruise is just an all around weird man who needs a reality check.

i've observed, now i'm here to report

So i saw that new Zac Efron movie today... (am I the first male to start a sentence with that?) And it portrayed high school as some wild place with a big shot tough guy bully that everyone follows around. Has there ever been a real high school with one of those kids? Every high school movie seems to have one though. Hmm let me think of an example... Ok, Like Kenickie on Grease (atleast I think thats his name). Thats not the manliest of references, but I had to make my point.



Is it just me or do fat comedians lose their funniness when they lose weight? I'm not saying skinny comedians arent funny, read carefully. If they already were fat, they become unfunny when they lose weight. A recent example... Seth Rogen. His fat, dirtball, stoner character was overused, but funny I must say. But now that he lost weight. He doesn't even have that to fall back to. Esentially hes done. So my best advice would be for Seth is to not make a new, unfunny, movie and ruin his image in the minds of many young Americans. He should just ride off into the night like previous fat comedians John Candy and Chris Farley into the category of fat comedian with a drug problem who took it too far. So rest in peace Seth Rogen, its for your own good.


Well thats all for now. I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna try and update this more often.

i gotta get this off my chest

I believe it is symbolic that today is the day I start my blog. As today, I discovered I am starting to show evidence of chest hair. I know, I know this is no reason to celebrate, in fact it is more of a reason to mourn. If genetics proves itself to be evident, this small peach fuzz of chest hair will soon make itself more abundant. This has been a fear of mine for some time now, as my family history in this department hasn't been the brightest. But by gones be by gones, I will live. Some women find it sexy right? Oh no wait... this isn't 1979. So as I mentioned the title of this blog is quite fitting, as I literally and figuratively want to get some things "off my chest.” Here’s some random things that have been bothering me lately:

I’m tired of people telling me female athletes are hot. Danica Patrick is not hot, neither are the Williams sisters. I respect their athletic abilities but I’m tired of being influenced into thinking their masculine, muscle-toned bodies are sexy, they’re not.
This is just uncalled for:
I think girls need to stop cutting their hair short. You’re not posh spice, and you never will be. And you look like a young boy.

Every time I hear someone with a southern accent speak, I want to punch them in the face and knock out their remaining teeth. Talk normal.

Why do surveillance cameras produce such poor quality videos? What’s the point of getting a pixilated shadow of a video of someone robbing you. has anyone ever been like "omg i know that guy!" this makes no sense to me.

If you can’t afford to tip the waiter/waitress, you cant afford to go out to eat. So stay home and eat ramen noodle you cheap bastards.

I don’t see why people kill themselves without doing something crazy first. Why not go out with a bang? Walk around a mall naked or tickle an authority figure. Do that then tell me you’d still want to kill yourself. If you still do, you probably should because you have no chance of ever having fun.

When is Miley Cyrus going to get braces? She’s got something funky going on in her mouth that I want no part of.

I think there should be a weight limit for girls who want to wear those cheerleading shorts. I feel bad for the shorts sometimes, they are holding on, stitch by stitch, for their lives while pounds of cellulite tries to squeeze its way into them. Here’s a rule of thumb, if you have to jump and pull on the shorts at the same time to get them on, its not going to be a good situation for anyone. I mean, there should be someone at the store who monitors the sale of these shorts. “I’m sorry ma’am, you can’t buy these. But I will be glad to fit you with some sweatpants… or a poncho.”


hmm... I guess that's all for now.