tiger's a cheetah

Okay, I feel like I need to talk about Tiger Woods. I don’t want to beat the dead horse on the topic, because Elin did enough beating for all of us. Elin did the one thing Phil Mickelson has never been able to do, she beat Tiger. I will try to do this without too many golf puns, but don’t be Tee’d off if I do… oops.

It started with an accident. The best driver on tour drove straight through his own yard, over a fire hydrant, and into a tree. And even Tiger couldn’t chip his way out of this rough patch. “Allegedly,” Elin chased him down the driveway while he drove away, smashing his windows with a golf club. Tiger denies such allegations, but shattered back windows, a cut up face, and multiple mistresses would say otherwise otherwise.

Tiger was forced to pay $164 for reckless driving. I wonder how he even pays that? Does he write a check? Because the signature on the check would be worth more than what the check was written for.

A voicemail is circulating that begins with someone saying “Hey, its tiger.” In his defense, it could have been any Tiger. Maybe it was Tony? This voicemail was to a girl named Jaimee Grubbs. If spelling the name “Jamie” with two E’s doesn’t tell the story, the fact that she was on the show “Tool Academy,” does. This girl is the epitome of class, oh wait… epitome means opposite right?

Tiger went Letterman on his wife and she went Rocky right back at him. I can’t say I blame her. She’s better looking than all of these “mistresses” anyways. She’s gotta feel like she missed the cut despite being a hole in one and them being pars.

Maybe Tiger should have been sponsored by Adidas, so then he would go by “anything is possible.” Like, you know… a celebrity marriage not ending in divorce. But instead, he’s sponsored by Nike, so really he had no other choice but to “just do it” with all those girls.

However, I believe with time Tiger will be fine. He'll will put a house on Elin’s finger and win a million more tournaments and this will all be old news. In 50 years Tiger’s game with the ladies may be out of the majority of people’s minds, but this will never be forgotten: