thoughts from the end of the couch

I’ve been home from my first year of college for about two weeks now. I can’t really say I’ve accomplished anything since I’ve been home, but I certainly have watched enough Price is Right to know what a nice dinette set looks like. The most stressful part of my day is the time between realizing I have to pee, and the time I wait to get up to actually relieve myself. So, yeah you can tell I’m doing lots of stuff. Anyways, based on my hours upon hours of TV viewing of late, I have made a few observations. Those observations are written in the following paragraphs.

I’m pretty sure Rosie O’Donnell was the beginning of the end of Koosh Ball popularity. Only someone as un-cool as her could ruin something as cool as Koosh Balls. With every awesome ball she slung into her idiotic crowd, a young Koosh owner slung theirs into the trash. RIP Koosh Balls.

Speaking of Rosie O’Donnell, how did her and Ellen Degeneres decide who gets the lesbian morning talk show slot? I would have to assume Rosie would win in a fight solely because of girth, but Ellen somehow came out on top. It seems kind of unfair that only one lesbian is allowed to have a morning talk show, but for the sake of humanity and future toy popularity, I’m glad Rosie is gone.

I watched an episode of Americas Most Wanted the other day. Now I know its for a good cause and what not, but I have an issue with the “possible locations” for where these wanted guys are hiding out. They rattle off like 15 states and 3 continents when giving the possible locations. “Miguel Dominguez is armed and extremely dangerous. He could be hiding out in Mexico, New Mexico, California, Arizona (actually, scratch AZ. Political joke, get it?!), Wyoming, Nebraska, Delaware, Iceland, Florida, Australia, Canada, or Montana. If you think you’ve seen this cold-blooded killer, call 1-800-Crime-TV.” Okay, John Walsh I’ll keep an eye out for him if I’m ever on earth.

Going along with the criminal theme: I love watching Cops. But not for the usual reasons one may watch the show (Police chases, Drug busts etc.). I watch Cops so I’ll know what rock bottom is like if my life ever took a turn for the worst. Rock bottom is sitting on the curb outside your government funded housing in nothing but a pair of jorts while the cops sort out the domestic dispute between you and you’re baby momma. It is at that moment that you have a major life decision to make: Do I clean up my act? Or do I start running as fast as my cracked out body can carry me? I hope I never face these questions, but if I do at least I’ll be ready.

Advertisement Frustration:

Sometimes I have to watch TV because I forget if Progressive Insurance exists. But then I turn it on to any channel and within minutes I’m reminded that it does exist.

I hate when I see those commercials that are for some form of furniture and it says, “Some assembly required.” You can’t fool me Ikea, I know that some essentially means I’m not cutting down the tree and finishing the wood but the rest is up to me. I don’t have a week and a half to be doing things like putting “piece A-865 into piece F-197.

I’m kinda mad because I got some Axe Body Spray based on the commercial that says attractive girls would be tackling me as a result of wearing it. On the contrary, all I got was a couple “wow that kid smells like a middle-schooler” glances.

I really need something to do.

Right on track

In my final home track meet of the year, I finished second to last. At the time, that was the least of my worries. “Not pooping my pants” was on my priority list just above “caring about running” and just below “letting someone notice my obvious ‘poop waddle.’” If you are unclear as to what a “poop waddle” is, I imagine that you can figure it out by using context clues on the following example sentence: “Keith poop waddled all the way to the bathroom not long after wolfing down three beefy 5-layer burritos from Taco Bell.” Anyways, my race did not go as planned. But as long as I never end up like this guy, I'll consider every race successful.

WARNING: Picture below is messy.

Was "messy" an understatement? Sorry! Anyways, The rest of my track season was quite uneventful. I got 4^th in the 5k at Duke University. Well, 4^th if you take my place position one lap into the race. (I got caught up in the excitement and I also wanted to get my picture taken). I finished 32^nd in the end, but who's counting?

Since my track season ended I have probably run about three steps. Sorry… I’m exaggerating… I haven’t run a step. After a long season, the only thing I enjoy more than running, is not running. Get it?

car alarming

Probably my biggest annoyance that has happened to me in the last month was someone breaking into my car. There are a few things wrong with this. First of all, I do not own anything valuable enough to steal; I have a beat-up 1999 Toyota Camry; and I was parked next to a brand new Mercedes that made it through that night unscathed. I do not know what these thieves were thinking because the best thing they could have gotten out of my car was a Ke$ha CD. Wait, I mean a… manly CD. Anyways, the punks stole my change. Oh no!

But the worst part of the whole thing was they broke the lock on my passenger door. Not only did they break the lock, they made it so the door no longer opens from the inside, or the outside unless you’re using the key. Nothing like pulling up to the restaurant with a hot date and saying “hey, umm… don’t try and get out yet because…you won’t be able to.” Nothing about that is creepy at all!

The situation isn’t much better when I have a guy in the car with me either. In an attempt to look tough, I should probably start carrying a tool box and a football with me so I look real masculine while opening the door for another dude.