dear diary...

I have decided I am not afraid of Swine Flu. I saw on the news that only 8 people IN THE WORLD have died from it so far. I bet 8 people have died tying their shoes since all this talk of swine flu came about. I think it’s a giant overreaction. Just wash your hands and stop picking your nose. I guess I’ll eat these words when I’m on my death bed oinking my final words, but oh well.

When I was slightly afraid of it, I really wanted to know what Paris Hilton thought of the whole thing. So I’m glad someone asked her. She really knows her stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jevcRwhjJJU

So since my sister moved out, my bathroom has not been cleaned once. Nor has the proper bathroom essentials been replaced; soap, shampoo, mouthwash etc. But the most important thing that seems to always be in shortage, is toilet paper. I got stranded in the bathroom not once, but twice with no toilet paper today. It is by far the worst situation you can ever be in. I would rather find myself running out of oxygen than find an empty roll of TP after doing my uhh.. “bidness.”

My only cry for help was a twitter post from the toilet. No one answered. Without including the messy details. I made my way downstairs to a different, well supplied, bathroom. Yuck.

I started reading a few days ago. Then I stopped, but I felt mature while I did. I’m on page 46 o a 328 page novel. I will finish someday.

I am in love. To a girl named Twitter. I never get tired of tweeting. I tweet my every thought, joke, or activity. It is great. Because it is perfectly acceptable to update your status as much as you want. Come on people, we all know we’d update our facebook status’s more but we don’t want to look like we spend all day on the thing.

It is cool to read celebrities posts. I enjoy seeing Shaq misspell simple words. He spells as well as he shoots free throws. I like seeing Kim Kardashian post pictures of herself without makeup. She’s pretty beast without it I must say. Dane Cook to me is a disappointing Twitterer. His tweets are rarely funny. Maybe its because he cant exaggerate all the right words like he does so well in person. Asher Roth (The “I Love College”) guy responded to a question I tweeted him. Me and Joey asked him what shoes he was wearing on Jimmy Kimmel. And he Answered us. Pretty neat I gotta say. Here's a screen shot:

Well that’s all for now.

-Patrick Ryan

a birthday for the ages

So my first attempt at shaving with “a big boy razor” did not go as smoothly as I would have liked. But 3,000 bits of toilet paper later, my face was blood… and hair free! Sorry if I grossed you out with that. But I felt like the Grinch when he tried shaving when he was just a young boy.

Today was possibly one of my best birthdays ever. Besides all the things that I am legally able to do, I got some great presents.

My sister mailed me some things that I can now use/do because I am 18. Such as, 20 scratch off tickets!, Temporary tattoos (symbolizing that I can get a real one), A cigar, earrings, an “its my birthday!” bow, and top it all off she wrapped it all in money! She's the best. But my favorite part of the gift was the stack of pictures of my baby niece/god daughter kylie! My god wife Alyssa also gave me a card with 18 symbolic dollars symbolizing our years of friendship. It was a great surprise. Now I know why we got god-married.

I also had my regional track meet today. It was in the heart of that crazy brush fire down in Naples. There was a smokey haze covering the track. I about died. But I ran my fastest mile (4:28). I didn’t make it to states, but that’s okay with me because if I made it, I wouldn’t have been able to go to grad bash. The kid who won the mile ran a 4:17. Its just unfair.

I then went to PF Changs with my parents. FYI: Never run a mile as fast as you can then eat spicy Chinese food. I’ll leave out my reason behind that statement, but I think you can all figure it out. It was a surprisingly flawless dinner with my parents. I really enjoyed it. I really am growing up!

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I really appreciate it :)

Now that I'm 18...

I will address all of my teachers/administrators/hierarchy by their first names. I am one of them after all (an adult).

I will no longer shave using a micro touch. I will use a big boy razor with shaving cream, water, and a towel around my waist. Maybe even after shave.

My mom will no longer be required to fetch me drinks, snacks, the remote, etc. However, this rule is void if I am not feeling well, or am really tired.

I will wear a mustache....Once I can grow one

I will read the news paper with my feet up on Sundays, and discuss the humidity levels with other adults.

I’ll have an opinion on politics based on more than “he seems nice, then again, so does he, hmmm…”

I will no longer drink juice boxes…Ah who am I kidding, I could never give up 8 ounces of deliciousness in a portable container.

I will order every single thing I have ever wanted off an infomercial. Like that sand stuff that goes in water but doesn’t get wet. Or Girls Gone Wild…. Just kidding (or am I?)

I will go to a club, and then leave again because I am not a dancer.

I will offer to buy kids cigarettes, and then scold them if they accept my offer.

I can commit adultery, it would have been teenagery before.

I could tell people "life's not fair," because only adults say that. But I wont, because I hate people who say that.

Finally, I will be rich because I am going to go buy a lottery ticket at midnight. Woot woot!

The ugly truth of SJP

I have to do it. For those who follow my blog, you may have seen a short list of a few of my favorite and not so favorite celebrities. In my list of “not so favorites” I left out someone who is by far my least favorite. I could not express my real feelings about her in one short sentence so I decided to save this for a separate entry. This young lady goes by the name of Sarah Jessica Parker.

At 11 O’clock every night her show bombards you on multiple channels. Her arrogant voice-overs send shivers up my spine. If you don’t know already, I’m talking about Sex and the City. By far the worst show on television. I would rather watch Susan Boyle get a sponge bath for 30 minutes than even catch a glimpse of the 45 year old Parker attempting to be “sexy.” Hearing her self righteous voice discuss having sex with random men throughout New York city makes me feel sorry for the actors who are pretending to sleep with her.

In a weak moment, or 140 moments, I gave in and saw the Sex and the City movie. Don’t ask me why, this is not about me. For the duration of the movie when I realized they were going one by one showing these women topless, I was quietly praying to myself that SJP would remain clothed. Surprisingly, She did, but the only thing that could be worse than seeing her naked happened. The red head became nude. This was so unnecessary. Now I am not here to rag on red heads, but come on, we all know you guys look better with clothes on, and preferably a hat.

When I heard Sarah Jessica Parker was married to Ferris Bueller, I flew my internal flag at half staff. An actor whom I had much admiration for (Matthew Broderick) married to an actress whom I despise. I have not been able to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off since hearing this sad news. All I can say is, I used to look up to him, key words: "used to."

And what’s with that thing on her chin? It’s like part of her insides are trying to escape because they found out they are the insides of the ugliest actor in showbiz. Seriously, find me one person who sincerely thinks she is attractive. She needs to stop showing off her boobs like she’s hot. No one wants to see that Sarah. Stop being so arrogant and stop making people call you by your full name You may be hideous, but you are human. Humans don’t use their middle name in casual conversation.

But I will give her one compliment. I admire the fact that she became famous while being one of the ugliest people in America. I couldn’t name three ugly celebrities, they are a rare breed. But she is a purebred ugly celebrity.

But I wish you luck Sarah, just don’t go crying to Mr. Rooney when Ferris skips out on you.

a day in the life of me aka my solution for writer's block

So, in case you don’t know. I have a very nice schedule for my senior year. I currently have two classes at my school. My day starts in 6th period in which I have economics. Then my final/second period of the day I am a teachers assistant for the athletic directors secretary. Its pretty tough stuff. Except its not.

Here’s a timeline of my day today:


I woke up at about 10. I spilled a glass of water on my floor stepping out of bed. So I had to clean that up. Then I went downstairs and ate some honey nut cheerios. It helps lower your cholesterol ya know. Then I watched ellen. (no homo). And the judge from ‘peoples court’ was on. I found that really random. Then I went to the bank to deposit my check. Worked 4 days last week for a whopping $80.41!


After that I went to burger king and tried to order cini minis. Apparently bk employees to not take kindly to someone who orders breakfast after the allotted breakfast time. So I did not get anything and continued on my way to school. Oh by the way, if you want to see the hairiest arms on a female, go to burger king in san carlos. Ask the half downs syndrome guy at the counter for her, he'll know what you mean.


In economics we played this game where you answered economics trivia to score touchdowns. We won. Thanks to my Ken Jennings like performance.


Then at track we had to sit in ice baths. Up to our waists. I couldn’t do it. And sadly let myself down and got out. It felt like.. Hmm… it felt like sitting in ice up to your waist. There’s really no other way to describe it.


Then I had to go help my mother coach the three oaks middle track team. They have 9 runners. One who is almost as old as me. My mom insisted on telling these boys to pull up their pants. I’m like, “yeah Ang your going to change this baggy pants thing once and for all, right here, right now.”


Then we went to the middle school meet to help with the girls. My job was to make sure no one walked onto the track while people were running through this big gate. Because apparently they have problems with parents going crazy running all over the track and getting in the girls way. Who knows. All I know is if I have to watch another overweight pubescent young girl run around the track, I may vomit.


Well then I came home around 8. Finally getting to relax. I watched a great episode of the office. One of my favorite shows. And Then some of the Cav’s pistons game. The Cav’s are going to win it all, and I have a man crush on Lebron James. Hes just phenomenal.


My birthday is on Friday, and so is My regional track meet. I’m racing the 4th ranked miler in the country. So yeah, wish me luck. Prom is Saturday. And The next week is States/Grad Bash. If I make states I will go to it. But in a way I don’t want to make it because grad bash should be fun. Hmm.


Well I’m done rambling. I’m sure no one reads this. And if anyone does, they surely have stopped reading by now. But if you did make it. I hope you have a wonderful rest of day/life etc.


-patrickmarkryan

most people work from 9-5. i work 5-9

So its Sunday night, roughly 11 pm. It is my last Sunday night as a minor as I turn 18 on Friday. Woot Woot. I feel older already.

Anyways, I ran 4.5 miles this afternoon, then I worked from 5 to 9, and ran 4.5 more miles for some odd reason. It felt good though. Some kids in a Jeep thought it’d be a hoot to yell and honk when they drove by. I personally believe this is in the lowest tier of humor, in the same level with gay humor and ’your mom’ jokes. I can honestly say I have never felt the urge to strain my vocal chords at someone on the sidewalk. How is this fun? “lets go yell insults at people getting some fresh air!” “Hell yeah bro! I’m down.”… It’s pathetic.

Last night it was apparently my job to make sure the freezer was shut at work. No one told me, and the freezer was left ajar. Everything melted. Oops. Hope I don’t get fired.

Hmm I don’t have much to say. How about I give a brief list of my favorite, and least favorite celebrities and why.

Faves:
Morgan Freeman: His narrations are warm and gentle like an angel is stroking my ear lobe. Plus, he played God. No further explanation needed.
Michael J. Fox: The Back to the Future was the greatest Trilogy of all time. And he’s inspiring.
Mila Kunis: Shes easy on the eyes.
Denzel Washington: Common, He’s Denzel. Need I explain?
Will Smith: I have never seen a bad movie/show with him in it. He’s a well spoken black man.
Oprah: 3 Words: Oprah Fridays Live

Not so much:
Nicolas Cage: He needs to stop trying to be a badass in his movies. He is a nerdy man and a terrible actor. I wish he got lost finding national treasure.
Jimmy Fallon: I used to like him until he took over Late Night. He can’t put a joke together without laughing half way through. I have never laughed watching his show. I have gone to bed angry because of his late night antics.
Miley Cyrus: Her voice is annoying, and she was given her fame and fortune. Shes done nothing to prove herself.
Chris Rock: Hes the most racist person I have ever seen on television. And he’s not funny. He just says words loudly and exaggerates them.
Tom Cruise: Not be confused with Tom Kruse the inventor of the Hoveround. Cruise is just an all around weird man who needs a reality check.

i've observed, now i'm here to report

So i saw that new Zac Efron movie today... (am I the first male to start a sentence with that?) And it portrayed high school as some wild place with a big shot tough guy bully that everyone follows around. Has there ever been a real high school with one of those kids? Every high school movie seems to have one though. Hmm let me think of an example... Ok, Like Kenickie on Grease (atleast I think thats his name). Thats not the manliest of references, but I had to make my point.



Is it just me or do fat comedians lose their funniness when they lose weight? I'm not saying skinny comedians arent funny, read carefully. If they already were fat, they become unfunny when they lose weight. A recent example... Seth Rogen. His fat, dirtball, stoner character was overused, but funny I must say. But now that he lost weight. He doesn't even have that to fall back to. Esentially hes done. So my best advice would be for Seth is to not make a new, unfunny, movie and ruin his image in the minds of many young Americans. He should just ride off into the night like previous fat comedians John Candy and Chris Farley into the category of fat comedian with a drug problem who took it too far. So rest in peace Seth Rogen, its for your own good.


Well thats all for now. I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna try and update this more often.

i gotta get this off my chest

I believe it is symbolic that today is the day I start my blog. As today, I discovered I am starting to show evidence of chest hair. I know, I know this is no reason to celebrate, in fact it is more of a reason to mourn. If genetics proves itself to be evident, this small peach fuzz of chest hair will soon make itself more abundant. This has been a fear of mine for some time now, as my family history in this department hasn't been the brightest. But by gones be by gones, I will live. Some women find it sexy right? Oh no wait... this isn't 1979. So as I mentioned the title of this blog is quite fitting, as I literally and figuratively want to get some things "off my chest.” Here’s some random things that have been bothering me lately:

I’m tired of people telling me female athletes are hot. Danica Patrick is not hot, neither are the Williams sisters. I respect their athletic abilities but I’m tired of being influenced into thinking their masculine, muscle-toned bodies are sexy, they’re not.
This is just uncalled for:
I think girls need to stop cutting their hair short. You’re not posh spice, and you never will be. And you look like a young boy.

Every time I hear someone with a southern accent speak, I want to punch them in the face and knock out their remaining teeth. Talk normal.

Why do surveillance cameras produce such poor quality videos? What’s the point of getting a pixilated shadow of a video of someone robbing you. has anyone ever been like "omg i know that guy!" this makes no sense to me.

If you can’t afford to tip the waiter/waitress, you cant afford to go out to eat. So stay home and eat ramen noodle you cheap bastards.

I don’t see why people kill themselves without doing something crazy first. Why not go out with a bang? Walk around a mall naked or tickle an authority figure. Do that then tell me you’d still want to kill yourself. If you still do, you probably should because you have no chance of ever having fun.

When is Miley Cyrus going to get braces? She’s got something funky going on in her mouth that I want no part of.

I think there should be a weight limit for girls who want to wear those cheerleading shorts. I feel bad for the shorts sometimes, they are holding on, stitch by stitch, for their lives while pounds of cellulite tries to squeeze its way into them. Here’s a rule of thumb, if you have to jump and pull on the shorts at the same time to get them on, its not going to be a good situation for anyone. I mean, there should be someone at the store who monitors the sale of these shorts. “I’m sorry ma’am, you can’t buy these. But I will be glad to fit you with some sweatpants… or a poncho.”


hmm... I guess that's all for now.